Today, I am beginning a round of P90X. I have started this round twice only to find myself allowing fear to overcome me. See, I have do not know what it is like to have a smaller frame. I have always been larger than all of my friends and family. Well, until I lost weight and was now the size of people I had always been larger than. I was even smaller than people I had always been larger than. I don’t think if someone has never experienced that, they would not understand where I come from. It was really strange. I had a ton of emotions every single time I had a new experience. People who never wanted anything to do with me before, were taking the time to at least say “hi” or compliment me. I had people (my own family) who did not know me as I passed them in a store. I had the male sex noticing me. Most of my life, I had guys say what a pretty face I had…..that was all. Of course, I had the haters who said some pretty negative stuff about my weight and about my goals of trying to lose weight. But there will always be the cynical or jealous type people. They need to deal with their issues…not me.
There were times when I was working out, that I would just start crying. I would literally sit in the floor and cry and all of these thoughts would go through my head. I would get mad, I would get frustrated, I would get excited. I did learn that a change in hormones in the body while losing weight is possible. I learned it first hand. I had began this new life of being more active. I was playing tennis, biking, hiking, and working out. For once in my life, I didn’t want to die. I wasn’t embarrassed by my body or my looks. I wasn’t ashamed of myself. For once, I was happy.
Well….I got side tracked for a long time. I still worked out occasionally but I was not striving for my daily goals. I had allowed the feeling of laziness, stagnation, fear, “just get by” in my life. Honestly, I hate this feeling. I said I would never go back to the old me and I have allowed some of that back in my life. Well, today, I have to get back to eating healthy, working out everyday, drinking only water, and focusing on my health. It is harder now that I live with people. When I was single, I had healthy food in the house and no temptation foods. Some things I can let sit in my cabinet and never even want to touch them….crackers, breakfast bars, soda, bread,…those are things I just don’t like. Now things like cheese, mayo, and deli meat? Not so easy. There was a time I said no to them and today, I am saying no. I had read in a book not very long ago, that if we say no to foods, we begin our journey to saying no to things in life. We learn to be strong and not so passive in everyday life situations. I say yes to so many things I do not want to do out of weakness or feeling like I am obligated because someone asked me. I don’t want to be like that. It has proven that it is not healthy for me to say yes to everything. So, I have to buckle down and begin to say no again.
Well, I am off to workout. I have a lot of things to do this week. I found out Saturday that my driver’s license expired in January and I have to go to Virginia next week. So, I have to get that done. I also have to finish my workbook for my intensive this week. Plus, we are going to Columbus on Wednesday. It is going to be a busy week but it is nothing I cannot handle.
So, off to day 1.
Have a healthy Monday!